Culinary Capers!

So after a few long days of meeting new students and frantically getting preparations done, I realizing I’ve been neglecting one of main areas of passion that this blog was supposed to be about: FOOD.

Food is one of the main things human beings need to survive along with air, water, heat, TV and maybe toilets. So why shouldn’t my blog devote some of its valuable real estate to its intricacies?

The answer to that question is simple…. (Wait. Actually it isn’t. What would the proper answer to that rhetorical question be? Kinda confusing.) OK the answer is…. NO.

Anyways, I probably should explain the picture above because chances are the moment you saw it you started uncontrollably salivating like Pavlov’s Dogs. I wouldn’t want you to damage your keyboard or anything with wet saliva, so let me just say that is one of my most recent culinary creations. Rachel Ray has her 30-Minute Meals, but I give you ANDY’S CANDIES’ VERY OWN 10 Minute Meal! I even timed myself to make sure. I give you…. “Andy’s George Foreman Dominicks Frozen Pork Broccoli Surprise!!!!!!!”

Now you can make this delicious, healthy, nutritious, tasty and scrumptious meal yourself. All you need to do is follow these 12 simple steps:

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“Andy’s George Foreman Dominicks Frozen Pork Broccoli Surprise”

Serves 1

Ingredients: Money, Car, Plate, George Foreman Grill, Microwave

PREPARATIONS: Go to Dominicks. Very simple. Buy Pork Chops on sale, Frozen Broccoli and some Mustard Potato Salad from the Deli. (This isn’t cooking so it does not count towards the time)

STEP 1: Take out Pork Chops from Styrofoam thing. (1 minute)

STEP 2: Look in cabinet and pour whatever spices you have at hand on the Pork Chops. In my case it was Garlic Powder, Paprika, Basil, Oregano, Pepper and Salt. (2 minutes)

STEP 3: Put in heated George Foreman Grill. (30 seconds)

STEP 4: While Pork is cooking take slice of Potato Bread and put in toaster (10 seconds)

STEP 5: While Potato Bread is toasting take out frozen Broccoli and put in Microwave for five minutes (1 minute)

STEP 6: Take out plate from Cabinet (10 seconds)

STEP 7: Take out Mustard Potato Salad from Fridge (5 seconds)

STEP 8: Open Mustard Potato Salad and put on plate (5 seconds)

STEP 9: Remove Potato Bread from Toaster and put on plate (10 seconds)

STEP 10: Remove broccoli from microwave oven. Be careful because steam will burn your fingers. It burnt my fingers. Curse you, kitchen appliance. (1 Minute)

STEP 11: Open George Foreman and take out Pork Chop and place on plate (30 seconds)

STEP 12: Sit down at table and eat and enjoy this delicious meal. Be very proud of yourself that you have cooked something that doesn’t taste like Cow Manure. Do not reminisce longingly about college dorm food and how you never had to cook or clean and all you had to do is walk downstairs and get your choice of pastas, soups, salads, burgers and dessert. Take a picture for posterity and find a way to convince yourself that the meal you just created haphazardly was actually a delicious culinary feat. Do not lament that the total cost of your “home-cooked” meal is perhaps the same price it would have been to enjoy a delicious $5 foot-long meatball sub at Subway. (5 minutes)

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Now at this point, you must be asking yourself one question: Why would I publish these recipies on the net for free?!?!? I know, magicians are never supposed to reveal their secrets… but I’m kinda like Penn and Teller, I’m all for the people.

So I hope you can try this recipie and tell me how it goes.

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One thought on “Culinary Capers!

  1. Can you please update? I’m tired of looking at culinary capers whenever I visit your page. I don’t even like capers. Do you?

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